Monday, August 07, 2006

Fun: War Stories

McQ is telling one of his, and like most it isn't really about war so much as it is about being in the Army.

Well I'm not in the Army per se. So I shall instead regail you with someone else's war story which is probably true. I say probably, because it comes at least second hand so maybe I'm full of crap here. The story goes thusly:

The story opens with our hero, Joe. I don't know his name so Joe is as good a name for a grunt as any. Joe is a paratrooper in the US army. His unit is going to have to jump out of a perfectly good airplane as part of their ongoing training and certification procedures. Being good paratroopers, everybody jumps including the chaplain and the mascot, a German shepherd dog.

Now a jump rig for a chaplain is pretty easy, but the dog? Not quite so much. The unit slaps together something for the dog and Joe is selected to do a tandem with him. He'll jump out of the plane, open his chute, and then lower the dog like a duffel so that he doesn't have the dog's weight on his knees when he lands. Everyone says not to worry, it will be fine. Everyone is about as right as everyone usually is.

Well the day of the jump comes and everybody gets in the plane. Everybody jumps including Joe and the dog. Upon exiting the aircraft, the dog realizes what has happened. The dog is not stupid. The dog did not want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane. He bites Joe. Hard.

Well Joe is a good 'trooper and gets his parachute open and gets his descent under control despite a lot of angry dog strapped to his chest. He even gets the irate German shepherd squared away. He lowers him down so they can land without killing each other. The dog lands first like a ton of bricks (which is how duffels land). Joe lands second like he was trained. Unfortunately for the dog, he broke one of his legs on the landing. Unfortunately for Joe, the dog is still capable of hobbling over to Joe on his three remaining legs and biting him. Again.

Cut to several years later. Joe has moved on to another unit, but comes back for a visit to say hello to his old buddies. The dog is there. Joe thinks bygones are bygones. The dog recognizes Joe, trots over to him, and bites him because the third time really is the charm. Stupid human. What the hell were you thinking?

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