Democratic Contract with America?

I saw the Democrats 9 point campaign points for the 2006 election. Allow me to list and explain them:

1. Women’s Health Care. “The Prevention First Act of 2005” will reduce the number of unintended pregnancies and abortions by increasing funding for family planning and ending health insurance discrimination against women.

Democrats will require health care insurers to fund contraceptives and begin brainwashing educating people about the morning after pill. We will also claim that this will improve STD rates even though many forms of contraception do nothing to prevent STD transmission and facilitate behavior that causes them to spread.

2. Veterans’ Benefits. “The Retired Pay Restoration Act of 2005” will assist disabled veterans who, under current law, must choose to either receive their retirement pay or disability compensation.

Currently, disability pay requires a corresponding reduction in retirement pay so vets don't get something for nothing. We Democrats believe in getting something for nothing so we will pay them twice instead.

3. Fiscal Responsibility. Democrats will move to restore fiscal discipline to government spending and extend the pay-as-you-go requirement.

Yes, we'll be fiscally responsible. That is why we have 8 spending increases and one tax increase on this 9 point list. Remember: something for nothing.

4. Relief at the Pump. Democrats plan to halt the diversion of oil from the markets to the strategic petroleum reserve. By releasing oil from the reserve through a swap program, the plan will bring down prices at the pump.

We propose using the strategic oil reserve to influence the market. We will to this by a highly technical process called buying high and selling low. This will not be a bad idea because of smoke and mirrorshighly complex economic stuff. Ok, we'll just conceal the huge net fiscal losses in the defense budget. We will certainly not give people a break by allowing more domestic drilling or increasing refinery capacity. This won't compromise the national security purpose of the reserve either. I mean when was the last time we went to war with a major oil producing nation?

5. Education. Democrats have a bill that will: strengthen head start and child care programs, improve elementary and secondary education, provide a roadmap for first generation and low-income college students, provide college tuition relief for students and their families, address the need for math, science and special education teachers, and make college affordable for all students.

We will pander to the teachers union a lot. We will give people money for programs that don't work. We will ignore the fact that private schools often do much better with less funding. Instead of fixing skyrocketing college costs by using grants to create more colleges or expand enrollment (and thereby destroy the college supply bottleneck that is driving prices), we will simply hand people money. Hopefully nobody realizes that we're just handing the kids their parents money after squandering 30% of it on overhead.

6. Jobs. Democrats will work in support of legislation that guarantees overtime pay for workers and sets a fair minimum wage.

We hate the markets. We're smarter than those people. But definitely not elitists.

7. Energy Markets. Democrats work to prevent Enron-style market manipulation of electricity.

We really hate the markets. We hate the markets so much that we're going to mention Enron even though it no-longer exists as a coherent corporate entity.

8. Corporate Taxation. Democrats make sure companies pay their fair share of taxes to the U.S. government instead of keeping profits overseas.

Democrats will decide what is their fair share. Again, this is the only revenue generation plan on the list, so you can imagine their fair share is going to be rather large.

9. Standing with our troops. Democrats believe that putting America’s security first means standing up for our troops and their families.

We'll stand with them, but won't actually physically stand next to them. After all they get shot at. And they also vote for the other guys and wouldn't like it. And we probably won't give them the supplies or systems they need to fight either because that would cost money. And we won't support their mission because that might benefit the other party. Instead we'll basically sympathize with them after they are shot or wounded, blame the other party for it, and then we'll pander to retiring military who might have a prayer of voting for us.